Bolognas One Direction resume.



As you may have heard Zayn has left One Direction. What does that mean? Fuck if I know, What I do know is that this is the perfect opportunity for 1D to go from a boy band to a MAN BAND. So without further ado I submit my resume to become a One Direction member.




Objective: To be one of the blokes. Do you guys use the term blokes? I watch a lot of English football (soccer) and used to listen to The Streets a lot so I'm pretty familiar with the slang. Already that seems like a plus but I'll go on.

Musical Skills: 

  • Proficient in all 3 Rock Band and Rock Band 2 instruments (Drums, guitar and vocals) on hard level. Not so great on expert but I wouldn't exactly call you guys expert singers either right? Good yes. Expert? Nah. Ain't nobody got time for dat!
  • I watched season 1 of The Voice and learned a lot about what it takes to impress the Maroon 5 guy and how to talk to Carson Daly
  • I can play 1 Dashboard Confessional, 1 Weezer, and .5 Alkaline Trio songs on the real guitar. Taught myself in high school. No big deal but that kind of makes me a prodigy right?
Dance Skills: Do you guys even dance bros? Not sure but here are my qualifications anyway.
  • Mastered the Party Rock shuffle for my wedding. FUCKING NAILED IT! Blown up suspenders and all. 
  • As chambelan for what seems to be at least a dozen quincenieras I learned how to fake waltz pretty damn good. Un, dos, tres, un, dos, tres, un, dos tres, TURN!!!
Additional attributes:
  • I'm married. That means all the road tail will go to the rest you you guys. Kind of a big bonus for you guys if you ask me.
  • Mexican. that fills the ethnic quota.
  • Wears glasses. I don't think you have a guy who wears glasses. Adorkable. That's a thing.
  • Did I mention I sound exactly like Zayn? proof...

DAMN THAT WAS GOOD!!! Here's a live look at all the ladies

So there you have it. I think my resume speaks for itself. I am my own manager/agent/publicist so just hit me up on twitter and let me know when I start. 

P.S.- If you guys are boneheads and decide against me can you please forward this to Zayn? Maybe him and I can start a Hall & Oats type of thing. K thanks.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chicagoland Meteorologist Power Rankings

Image
Editors note: I wanted to publish this on Monday during the snow storm but I snow plowed all day and then slept all day Tuesday... So yeah.  To quote Bart Simpson " I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." A pretty accurate way to describe the weather in Chicago if you ask me. Blizzards, thunder snow, and polar vortexes in the Winter. Tornadoes, flood watches, and heat waves in the Summer. Not to mention all of the above during the Spring and Fall.  As someone who works outside, I'm at the mercy of Mother Nature. That manic hooker of a woman. These poor saps have the unenviable job of telling me when she's on her mensies. As stated before,  I watch a lot of local news programming.  Enough to make me want to power rank local weather personalities for fun. ( There are varying degrees of fun. Stop judging.) Here we go... 1.) Skilling: I dropped the Tom because Skilling is an icon like Prince or Madonna. The...
Read more

Let's blame our man boobs on hoppy beer and not everything else.

Image
  Fox News - "It might seem manly to drink beer, but a chemical found in hops might be the cause of some very feminine attributes. Hops, which gives beer its flavor, are female flowers of the hop plant and contain high levels of phytoestrogen—a plant estrogen.According to research conducted by acclaimed herbalist and author Stephen Harrod Buhner, hops can also contribute to breast development in men and to a condition called “brewer’s droop”—or impotence brought on by heavy drinking. “[From] long-term exposure to the estrogenic properties of hops, [they] eventually have difficulty sustaining erection,” Buhner told Vice News. In his book, Sacred and Herbal Healing Beers, Buhner says that hops have long been used in herbal medicine to help treat things like insomnia and endometriosis, and ease symptoms of menopause.Men who drink lot of hoppy beer, like a strong India Pale Ale, may see some unwanted effects, like man boobs, premature aging, sluggishness, tooth decay, hair loss an...
Read more

True Detective season 2. Yes please.

Image
Why the hell isn't it June 21st already? I know a lot of people have their doubts about if season 2 can live up to the hype that season 1 created but that teaser did exactly what its supposed to do. It teased me just enough. True Detective half-chub city, population: Bologna. I have a theory that Vince Vaughn does his best work when wearing a suit. Swingers, Wedding Crashers, small parts in Anchorman. All suited up Vaughn. Therefore this might turn out to be some Emmy award winning shit for the Buffalo Grove native. Combine that with the pornstache of Colin Farrell and Texas high school football legend Tim Riggins and no way this season can let me down. P.S- If someone told me I would have to name my first born child  HBO in order to get their programming I would do it. Wouldn't even run it by my wife. Even if it was just for Game of Thrones and True Detective. HBO is over here playing chess while every single other network is playing checkers.
Read more