10 scary ways I realized I'm old.



A lot has changed from the time I started this blog almost 5 years ago. The main change being it feels like I've aged about 2 goddamn decades. When I started this I was a bushy tailed 20 something with an optimistic future and a hardcore case of 'Peter Pan syndrome.' I've gone from a kid who refused to grow up to an ornery and crotchety old man embracing his inner Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. Aging is a frightening thing when you see it happening in real time. I've put these moments in order of scariest.

10.) I watch the news: Seriously, who watches the news? Old people. Younger Bologna might have watched the news every once in a while. Mostly as background noise while waiting for Kimmel or Leno/Fallon to start. NOT ANYMORE!!!! My old ass will watch any news programming available. W.G.N. morning news is a must watch with the wacky antics of Tomasulo & Bumgarner. Midday news? Yup, gotta get that Skilling forecast. Evening news = Giangreco at his finest. Nightly news will scare the pants off of me, but I have to know which laundry detergent might be killing me.

9.) I Like Fig Newtons: I don't know how it happened and I hate myself for it. Fig Newtons are old people cookies and one day I just had a taste for them. FML!!!

8.) Columbia boots: Rain, Sleet, Snow... it didn't matter. Back in the day high top Chuck Taylor's were all condition gear. Not so much anymore. I bought a pair of Columbia boots for the winter and boy do I look like a middle aged dad. Fashionable? Hell no. But I will give them this, my feet are dry and dad boots are comfy as hell.

7.) I'm sleepy: I'm sleepy right now as I type. I'm sleepy at the movies. I'm sleepy at dinner. I'm sleepy before a nap, I'm sleepy after a nap. I'm sleepy ALL THE TIME!!! 8 hours of sleep, 10 hours of sleep. Doesn't matter.

6.) Sports hurt: Sometime around 28-30 my ankles turned into Dorito chips, my knees filled with cement and my hamstrings turned into two rubber bands left in the sun. Sports hurt now.

5.) Going out sucks: For about a two year span in my early twenties my schedule was as following: work Thursday, go out Thursday night, work Friday, go out Friday night, work Saturday go out Saturday night, sleep all day Sunday then go out Sunday night. I'm tired just thinking about it.
It makes me want to puke. How did I do this? More importantly, Why did I do this?  Forget noisy ass clubs and bars. I won't even go to Target or Khol's on the weekends anymore because they're too crowded. The wife and I got 3 day tickets to Riot Fest last year and tapped out after 2 days. We had to give away our Sunday passes because I was afraid I was going to die of exhaustion. Can't do crowds, Can't do noise.  Gross!!!

4.) I drink wine now: That's straight up grown-up juice. I feel sophisticated as fuck when drinking wine.  Goodbye 40's of Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor duct-taped to my hands (Edward Fortyhands) and Hellooooo Coopers Hawk Red bottles duct-taped to my hands. ( Peter Pan syndrome kind of never goes away)

3.) I find Letterman hilarious: I hated Letterman growing up. I didn't get him. I thought he was old and weird. Now I'm old and weird and it's a bona fide Chuckle-fest.

2.) Technology is passing me by: Big old ipod's with the scrolling wheel, iphone 3G,
'You're still on the Edge network? So slow! 3G MuthaFucka!!!  I used to be on the cutting edge of technology.  Remember Myspace top 8? My top 8 was on point. Not too many guys, not too many girls, Everyone looked good. Gotta pick a good song for my homepage. Yeah, Myspace was my shit.

But that seems like light-years ago. I had Snapchat on my phone for 6 months before I used it because I didn't understand it. I pay for Apple ICloud and I honestly just pay for it to say I have it I guess because I have no goddamn clue how to put stuff in the cloud and take stuff out from the cloud.  Even if I did know, I don't trust it. I don't trust clouds guys.

True story, just this week my ipad and iphone somehow connected and whenever my phone would ring my ipad would ring as well. It took me two days to figure out how to stop it. (maybe i'm just stupid)

This very blog looks like an old Aol webpage running on windows 98 because I don't know what Tumblr is and I couldn't figure out how to use wordpress. So I'm still on Blogger. Which is no big deal because I like Blogger and I don't like change...what a salesman (Google please give me money)

and finally the moment i realized I'm old...

1.) My farts are starting to smell like my dads: I was driving alone one day after lunch when it happened. I'm a guy and it tends to happen rather frequently. But this one, this one was different. From the moment that little silent bastard traveled from my truck seat to my nostrils I knew my life as a young man was over. A rush of foul odored memories from my childhood hit me like a ton of bricks.Then came the realization... I have old man farts. I write this partly to make you laugh but more importantly for you to please pray for Julie.


Comments

  1. FishbonesMarch 19, 2015 at 8:40 PM

    Wait until it's time for your first colonoscopy! Welcome to the party!

    ReplyDelete
  2. RickMarch 20, 2015 at 7:50 AM

    HA, how do I like this post on that bird site?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chicagoland Meteorologist Power Rankings

Image
Editors note: I wanted to publish this on Monday during the snow storm but I snow plowed all day and then slept all day Tuesday... So yeah.  To quote Bart Simpson " I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." A pretty accurate way to describe the weather in Chicago if you ask me. Blizzards, thunder snow, and polar vortexes in the Winter. Tornadoes, flood watches, and heat waves in the Summer. Not to mention all of the above during the Spring and Fall.  As someone who works outside, I'm at the mercy of Mother Nature. That manic hooker of a woman. These poor saps have the unenviable job of telling me when she's on her mensies. As stated before,  I watch a lot of local news programming.  Enough to make me want to power rank local weather personalities for fun. ( There are varying degrees of fun. Stop judging.) Here we go... 1.) Skilling: I dropped the Tom because Skilling is an icon like Prince or Madonna. The...
Read more

Let's blame our man boobs on hoppy beer and not everything else.

Image
  Fox News - "It might seem manly to drink beer, but a chemical found in hops might be the cause of some very feminine attributes. Hops, which gives beer its flavor, are female flowers of the hop plant and contain high levels of phytoestrogen—a plant estrogen.According to research conducted by acclaimed herbalist and author Stephen Harrod Buhner, hops can also contribute to breast development in men and to a condition called “brewer’s droop”—or impotence brought on by heavy drinking. “[From] long-term exposure to the estrogenic properties of hops, [they] eventually have difficulty sustaining erection,” Buhner told Vice News. In his book, Sacred and Herbal Healing Beers, Buhner says that hops have long been used in herbal medicine to help treat things like insomnia and endometriosis, and ease symptoms of menopause.Men who drink lot of hoppy beer, like a strong India Pale Ale, may see some unwanted effects, like man boobs, premature aging, sluggishness, tooth decay, hair loss an...
Read more

True Detective season 2. Yes please.

Image
Why the hell isn't it June 21st already? I know a lot of people have their doubts about if season 2 can live up to the hype that season 1 created but that teaser did exactly what its supposed to do. It teased me just enough. True Detective half-chub city, population: Bologna. I have a theory that Vince Vaughn does his best work when wearing a suit. Swingers, Wedding Crashers, small parts in Anchorman. All suited up Vaughn. Therefore this might turn out to be some Emmy award winning shit for the Buffalo Grove native. Combine that with the pornstache of Colin Farrell and Texas high school football legend Tim Riggins and no way this season can let me down. P.S- If someone told me I would have to name my first born child  HBO in order to get their programming I would do it. Wouldn't even run it by my wife. Even if it was just for Game of Thrones and True Detective. HBO is over here playing chess while every single other network is playing checkers.
Read more